Use 'Inside Out' to Connect With Your Emotions

Sadness as a Superhero!

Key Point: Emotional Intelligence includes each of us becoming acutely aware of our own emotions and the feelings of others. Mental wellness at work/life (how could we possibly separate these?) is finally getting the attention it deserves. That’s one reason I love Pixar’s new “kids” movie, Inside Out. Drawing on real neuroscience and the latest psychological research, the movie goes where no animated film has gone before; into the inner workings of a young (11-year-old) girl’s mind. Early in the movie’s production, its brilliant director Pete Docter, invited well known psychologist Paul Ekman to brief the crew on the nature of emotions. According to Ekman, there are seven emotions with universal facial signals—the five that ended up in the movie, plus contempt and surprise.

Spoiler Alert – If you want Inside Out to be a complete surprise….don’t read until after seeing it.

The movie focuses on Riley, a happy, hockey-loving girl from Minnesota who is abruptly confronted with a family move across the country. Most of the action, though, takes place inside her head, where her staff of personified emotions — Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear and Disgust — are in charge of operations. As Joy (Amy Poehler) vies for control, she and Sadness (Phyllis Smith) get lost deep in the recesses of Riley’s mind, leaving Fear (Bill Hader), Anger (Lewis Black) and Disgust (Mindy Kaling) at the helm. Riley is left angry and sullen to the outside world until Joy and Sadness make peace and return to their positions inside central control, “headquarters.”

As one might expect, Joy is always positive and full of bounce. And Sadness just wants to lie down and kind of feel her feelings. Yet Joy and Sadness come to appreciate their need for each other. There is a touching moment in the film where Sadness sits down next to a character that is upset about something. Joy’s first instinct is to distract the character, try to cheer him up and talk over him. However, Sadness quietly sits down next to him and says, “I’m very sorry that you lost something that you love. That must make you very sad.” Of course that empathy is what the character needs to cheer up and move forward.

As Poehler reveals during an interview about the movie: “We tell ourselves that the constant pursuit of happiness is what we need to do, and if you’re not doing it, you’re doing something wrong. Instead, this big concept of feeling your feelings and trying to stay true to who you are and what you want, that’s the journey…”

Character Moves:

Get closer to your emotions and be honest about them. I have come around to appreciate the goodness that can come from pursuing happiness (as long as it stops well in advance of narcissism). I have learned that chasing happiness is empty without paying advance attention to meaning, vocation and humility. However, what’s perhaps most important is appreciating without judgment, that a rich life has a place for all the emotions. Knowing what we are honestly feeling is most important regarding connecting with our authentic self. When we ignore or suppress joy and sadness all we are left with is anger, fear, and disgust.
Perhaps, thankfully what’s most different from a mind of an 11-year-old is our ability to have more command over the emotion “control panel.” As adults, we have the additional capability to acknowledge our feelings and make choices before we act on them.

Sadness is real, raw, genuine and a gateway to having the necessary empathy and compassion for yourself and others. In that regard, sadness and joy are full life partners. At the end of the movie, the core emotions were richer because they were infused with more than one emotion – they became multi-colored balls rather than the simplistic one colored balls they began with. We must know and appreciate our emotions and how they interact and enrich our lives. Frankly, at work we will all benefit from being more “feeling,” present with others and ourselves. What do we notice? How do we feel? What are others around us feeling? Some days sadness is and deserves to be a superhero… It’s the bridge to reconnecting with joy.

I’d recommend you see the movie. You can see the trailer here.

Sadness as a superhero in The Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: As a generally, sometimes perpetually “good mood” person, I haven’t always understood or validated “sadness.” Sadness, to me, is reserved for life’s (fortunately) occasional dark moments. I’d think, “you’re sad? Ok, do something to cheer yourself up.” Well… To many, that isn’t fair. In fact, it’s freaking annoying. I had to learn that people are “allowed” to be sad, and you can’t “tell people how to feel.” No matter how “trivial” the situation may seem, that’s not my judgment to make. Now, I’m far from perfect at this, but it’s a work in progress. Sure, Inside Out might be animated, but it sounds like it’s about as real as it gets.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

That One Small Gesture

Accountability Gratitude Kindness

Key Point: Sometimes one little gesture can lead to something much bigger for someone else. It is so easy to pass, because the little act is just that… Little. I just received this email, and I’ve removed some details to protect the privacy of the people involved. Hopefully you’ll get the point:

“Hi Mr. Rubis,

You may not remember me, but I’m the girl that [redacted] you with [redacted].

You spoke with my branch manager, and asked him to bypass the holding period on my checks.

I just wanted you to know how much you helped me that day. My branch manager went out of his way to help me, even waived my banking fees for a year, as well as sat down and gave me good advice regarding my very messed up financial affairs. (My story is a long and convoluted one, and I’ve had a terrible time recovering financially from it, among other things). Since I last saw you, with immediate access to my money, I haven’t been to Cash Money to take out payday loans, and I’m slowly coming back to financial stability.

I thought it might interest you to know, as of today, I’ve opened my first business account at ATB. [Redacted] and I are going into business together to fulfill our dreams.

It may sound overly ambitious, but we have several ideas for businesses that we are going to try to implement over the coming months and years, and I plan to use ATB for all our business ventures’ financial needs. I can never thank you enough for your kindness!! Bless you!

Many thanks.”

I am no hero. I simply listened to her story, knew we could assist, and immediately took the action to put her in contact with people I knew who would help. They did the hard work. The lesson is about being present, listening and being self-accountable. And if there’s one distinguishing factor about self-accountability that I’ve learned over many years thinking, researching and writing about it, it’s that one must have a “do it NOW” mindset or best intentions will be overcome by inertia.

Character Moves:

Look for and respect the little gesture of help. We never know when that one act will result in a much bigger ripple effect. It may be a brief and warm greeting, a small note, a held open door, connecting someone to another… And after, the world moves forward just a little bit.

A “do it now” mindset is not meant to imply being rash or impulsive. However, you and I know we run into opportunities every day where “now” action is the right thing to do, but we procrastinate and often miss the opportunity. Do it now!

Little gestures in the Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: I remember recently I was at the gas station across from my home in Santa Monica. I’m in line and I heard some very distinct East Coast accents. You’ll hear many tourist accents around here, but you could tell these guys were traveling through on a road trip. One guy yelled at his friend in line behind me, to “put $20 bucks on pump three.” (Add your thickest Jersey accent, and probably an expletive for safe measure). So I got a sudden idea. I bought what I needed and then asked the attendant to “add that $20 on pump three for me.” The Jersey dude’s shocked reaction, and gratitude, was worth the price. It really was. At first he refused to accept, but it’s well known that California folk don’t get the best rep on the East Coast, so I just said, “guys, have a great time here, and tell people back home that all Los Angeles people aren’t what they probably think.” Ultimately, that move was selfish on my part, because that $20 was better spent there than it would have been anywhere else. It was fun, memorable, and felt great. And those little gestures certainly don’t have to cost money, but they always buy us happiness.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

Grace to Play

Accountability Courage Resilience

Key Point: We are all given the grace to PLAY. Why sit on the sidelines? Today, I had the privilege of interviewing Hayley Wickenheiser, one of Canada’s greatest athletes. For our American, European and Asian readers, Hayley is Canada’s female version of Michael Jordan, Lionel Messi, you get the idea. Awarded the Order of Canada, she is a five time Olympic medal winner, including four golds. The QMI Agency named Hayley among the top 10 “Greatest Female Athletes in the History of Sports.” She is Sports Illustrated number 20 of 25 Toughest Athletes in the World, a two-time finalist for the Women’s Sports Foundation Team Athlete of the Year, twice named among the Globe and Mail’s “Power 50” influencers.

During the interview I asked Hayley to talk about her affection for Grace Bowen, a child she met and described in her blog as, “The greatest player I ever knew.” Hayley knew Grace as a fiery 9-year-old who enjoyed nothing more than playing Hockey. One unique thing about Grace was that she had no lower right leg. Doctors had amputated it in order to take a tumor out. The form of Cancer is called Osteosarcoma. As Hayley notes in her blog, “The thing with Grace is that she had a choice of how she wanted doctors to remove her leg. She chose a rotationplasty, a procedure that would allow doctors to take her foot and turn it backwards and use it as a knee joint. She did this so that she could PLAY HOCKEY again someday. It moved me like nothing else to see her with this new leg.”

Sadly, the story about Grace ends far too early. The cancer consumed Grace and she left this world without the chance to play again. Eventually, Grace’s parents had to tell her that she was going to die. Her response was, “Please give me more chemo… Anything, daddy… I just want to play.”

Character Moves:

Are you in the game today? Are you playing hard? Are you bringing it? If there is a grain of any decency to come from the painful passing of Grace Bowen, it’s the reminder to JUST PLAY. And as Hayley reflected during our conversation, “These days I care most about the way I play… That I give it my all, and do my very best. That’s more important than the final score.” There is no score if we don’t play!

Ideally each of us will experience the joyous battle between second place and us. However, we can’t even be in that zone unless we play first. Then it’s about digging in, and pushing past our comfort zone.

All of us will be “Grace.” One day we won’t be able to PLAY even if we want to. Hopefully we will say, “I played. I brought it and left it ALL on the field.” All in!

GRACE in the Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: It’s amazing how we have to remind ourselves to “just play,” but there certainly don’t seem to be enough Hayley or Grace mentalities around anymore. It’s simply overlooked, but there’s a hard truth to the “you can’t win if you don’t play” phrase. Too often, we’re comfortable sitting on the sidelines (read: or our couches) as long as we’re just “on the roster.” People that don’t update their resume don’t get new jobs, people that don’t scratch lotto tickets never hit the jackpot, and people that Netflix every night never meet anyone new. Life is about getting in the game, and we all should keep that in mind more often.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

Stupid Pet Tricks

Accountability Management Organizational culture

Key Point: We can’t gimmick our way to developing great workplaces. I remember the earliest trips to study Japanese companies in the 80’s, when they were kicking the heck out of many other Western companies in the market place. Millennials and others may not believe this, but Toyota, Mitsubishi, Sony and other companies known as “Japan Inc.” were taking significant market share and out performing North American and European companies on quality and most other dimensions. In response, a rush of western executives visited Japan and these great companies to learn why this was going on.

The more naive western visitors often noticed the superficial or singular elements of a comprehensive management system. So they returned home with one or more of the following ideas: Institute morning exercises (many Japanese companies did so), create a company song, develop suggestion systems, institute quality circles, establish company slogans and year campaigns, use company name tags and uniforms, apply statistical quality control, and rely on fishbone diagrams. (A bonus one: Drink copious amounts of booze on Thursday night with your team and ceremoniously puke on the sidewalk before taking the train home).

Of course the more sophisticated companies deeply delved into the entire organization system. They understood the impact of Hoshin Kanri, Kaizen, Total Quality Control (TQC), Toyota Production System, Total Preventative Maintenance, and much more. They noted that based on what the Japanese were practicing; they would have to reinvent their entire way of leading and managing. There was no silver bullet or magic pill. They needed to reexamine their companies systemically. The best like Boeing, Ford, and others reinvented themselves AND spiced the learning with powerful, innovative technological advances.

Employee engagement scores are currently at an all time low in the western world of work. Yet some companies are thriving. When naive visitors review these excellent companies, they see things like: Big kid toys in the workplace, free food and beverages, no dress code, Friday “beer wagons,” yoga classes, meditation rooms, concierge services, and of course the throw back to the .com era, pets in the workplace.

The harsh reality is that the only way people really become engaged is that they live and work in a place that allows them to flourish; somewhere to fully thrive, personally grow, and contribute to a meaningful purpose. Assuming that the organization they work for has an inspiring purpose and sustainable business model, they need four primary things to succeed:

The knowledge, understanding and unbridled opportunity to contribute great work they are good at and like to do.

Clear expectations and information to know in a timely way whether they’re really contributing value or not.

Access to total rewards (pay, benefits, recognition, and continuous personal development) that are fair and relative to what they provide to the business model.

Reasonable, respectful, personal autonomy and the invitation to fully engage with their head, hands, and heart.

All the “things” that are superficial feel like David Letterman’s old segment, “Stupid Pet Tricks.” They may be cool, but only are beneficial if they are the “icing” on top of a beautiful cake, with a rich recipe as reflected in the framework above.

Character Moves:

Be wary of the fluff and pageantry related to organization “air.” If the business model is not throwing off significant profit, net customer growth is stagnant, productivity is flat, the Glass Door score is low, voluntary turn over high, and most importantly employee engagement/ trust is low or not measured… Well… RUN! And take your loving pet with you!

Ideally, great work and life are fully and richly integrated (forget about balance). You and I deserve to love the life/work we do now. The ability to thrive is what really counts. Scrape away the “icing.” Taste the “cake” first.

Smart Pet Owners in The Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: If there were a job petting jellyfish in the middle of paradise… Forget the crystal clear waters, and warm tropical beaches you’d be working in, because at the end of the day, you’d still have to go pet those jellyfish (and likely get stung). Well beyond the environment, great work and leadership beats a fancy coffee maker.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

The Humility Code

Abundance Books Personal leadership

Key Point: It is both comforting and daunting to embrace the idea that “character” involves a journey. We have the ability and responsibility to develop our personal character. Based on this premise, David Brooks, the highly regarded New York Times pundit and author, has appropriately entitled his recent book, “The Road to Character.” The prime ingredient on the bumpy path, according to Brooks, is HUMILITY. Towards the end of this thought provoking book, he summarizes what he calls the “Humility Code.”

The Humility Code:

Human beings seek a life of purpose, meaningfulness, righteousness, virtue and NOT just one of pleasure. Life is essentially a moral drama not a hedonistic one. Holiness is a more noble pursuit than happiness.

The road to character begins with an accurate understanding of our nature and recognizing we are flawed creatures. We have a tendency to be self-centered and over confident. However, we are not the center of the universe.

Although we are flawed creatures, we are splendidly endowed. We have been granted the capacity to take on the struggle of personal improvement.

In this epic battle against our weaknesses, our greatest virtue is humility. However, we cannot do it alone and nor are we expected to.

Pride blinds us to our weaknesses and makes us think we are better than we are. Pride drives us to prove that we are better than others and makes it hard to be vulnerable before those whose love we need.

It doesn’t matter whether we work for a hedge fund or charity; there are heroes and schmucks in both worlds. The most important thing is our willingness to engage in the struggle for virtue. After attending to the basic necessities of living, this is our central purpose.

Character is built in the course of confronting our own weaknesses. This involves much more than what others can see us do or hear us say. Constant small acts of caring, giving, and considerate, humble thinking creates the trend in our lives that results in habitual self discipline rather than remaining a slave to our weaknesses.

People of character are capable of staying attached to a calling, purpose and people through the long run. The things that lead us astray, like fear, gluttony, and vanity are short run. Elements like courage, honesty, humility, (and I would add, self-accountability, respect, abundance…) take us on the long road. Humility also comes from the freedom in understanding that our commitment to these virtues cannot be completed in a lifetime.

No one can achieve self-mastery on his or her own. If we are to progress in the confrontation with ourselves, we must be humble enough to put ourselves in a state to receive the affection of others. We have to draw outside of our selves to cope with the forces inside.

Life for all of us is “U” shaped. We advance, retreat and so on. The redemption always comes in the form of “grace.” When admitting our failure, help comes in many different forms. When we recognize that you and I are unconditionally accepted and we accept what is, the path forward and accompanying gratitude usually arrives.

Defeating our weaknesses includes the ability to quiet ourselves….to mute the sound of our own egos . Only by quieting ourselves will we be open to the external forces that are waiting to help us.

The humble person accepts that experience is a better teacher than pure reason. Knowledge is not the same as wisdom. Wisdom is knowing how to behave when perfect knowledge is lacking.

If we serve work that is intrinsically compelling and we strive to be excellent at that, we will likely serve both the community and ourselves. This is most often found by looking and understanding what the world is asking of our vocation and us. If we just try to serve ourselves we likely will never be satisfied. If we just try and serve the community, we may wonder if we’re ever appreciated enough. What problem is addressed or value provided by something you intrinsically enjoy? Serve that.

The wise leader is a steward of her or his organization and tries to leave it in better condition than how she or he found it. A sound leader finds the right balance between competing values and goals.

The individual who takes on the personal struggle to become a better human being may not become rich but will become mature. Maturity does not glitter. It is not about becoming better than anyone else or winning. The most important journey, what Brook describes as the “Road to Character,” is about becoming better today than you and I were yesterday.

Character Moves:

Reflecting on Brooks’ 15 elements of his Humility Code is probably daunting enough. The good news in all this, of course, is that we are all flawed and what Brooks describes as perpetual “stumblers.” The beauty and meaning in life is in the stumbling and becoming more graceful as we travel the character road.

The paradox seems to involve taking ourselves out of being the center of everything while being much more personably accountable for being very centered. It is not all about us and yet at the same time, it is.

Humility in The Triangle

Lorne

One Millennial View: My profession has me immersed in the entertainment industry, writing stories about some of the most lucky, hand-picked, successful, and financially rich individuals on the planet. I see people become jaded over celebrity success constantly. A lot of people die a little inside when they comprehend the fact Kim Kardashian can lay in her mansion and be paid far more than a teacher’s annual salary to Tweet out 140 characters mentioning product placement for a company that will award her five or six figures, but it’s reality. Now, what some celebrities do understand is the power of humility. Take a lesson from Jurassic World’s Chris Pratt, arguably the most sought after newcomer in Hollywood. He’s all about humility, not taking himself too seriously, and his career is being championed because of it. One is cringed at, the other celebrated, but at the end of the day, Pratt’s living conditions aren’t too shabby either.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

Power of the Painted Picture

Communication Purpose Respect

Key Point: Both people and organizations need a painted picture to guide their future. Vague “vision statements” and/ or bland, generic “purpose statements” are essentially useless and even demotivating. Broad statements like, “We will be the greatest,” “We will be excellent at,” etc. are often a big waste of time and probably meaningless because they are so abstract. They are left completely to personal interpretation and while that may be attractive in art, it is generally counter productive as a visionary, aspirational guide for individuals and institutions.

I recently heard a presentation by the Chief People and Culture Officer of 1-800-Got-Junk?. This incredibly successful company is totally driven by its “Painted Picture.” Over 3,000 employees (Junkies) and thousands of franchise holders are inspired by founder, Brian Scudamore’s, richly outlined corporate “Painted Picture.” Scudamore and his leadership team paint that picture in sensory detail, always looking five years out. And based on that colorful artistry have accomplished over 96 percent of what they have sketched in their always evolving picture. Watch Scudamore’s video for three minutes to get the essence.

We recently engaged a performance coaching company called The Inside Edge to work with select, top performing leaders. This coaching firm is composed of performance sports psychologists that help world-class athletes achieve their peak and ultimately ascend to the “podium.” One of their core development techniques involves IMAGERY. The psychology is that if we can hold a vivid picture of ourselves long and steadily enough, we will be drawn to it. This is based on hard-core science and research. So the Inside Edge emphasizes that great results and living starts with a rich picture held in one’s imagination. However, to be truly compelling, this picture ideally involves every sense. It is much more than words. It includes deep detailing of what one can see, hear, smell, taste and feel. All five senses help people understand that our bodies mostly do not distinguish between what is imagined and real. Imagery, whether we do so consciously or not, literally precedes every action and permeates every thing we do. Therefore, positive images support success while negative images undermine.

Character Moves:

1. To create a compelling and powerfully attractive future, paint a sensual picture of it. You need to find a quiet place and allow yourself to enter a relaxed and mindful space. Allow your imagination to outline what you want your future to look like. Paint every part of that image with every sense. Write it out in comprehensive denial. 140 characters will not do. No Twitter feed in this exercise.

2. Painting pictures that involve all senses are exceptionally valuable for outlining an “end state.” For example, where you want to be three to five years from now. However you can use the same technique to change your current state of being (I’m feeling bummed out today), improving performance (getting ready to make a presentation), or problem solving (pre-playing a challenging scenario).

3. Learn how to paint. Your imagination and beautiful mind is your brush. Be your own Picasso!

Painting Pictures in The Triangle

Lorne

One Millennial View: Sometimes we have to overcome the mental shortcomings of doubting where we’ll be in three to five years. It’s a tough question to answer, because you don’t want your audience to scoff at how unrealistic it may be. Thanks to guys like Scudamore, it encourages everyone, especially Millennials, to understand that no detailed “three to five year” answer is just “junk.”

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis