Communication | Lorne Rubis

Emotional Emails… Geez!!

Communication Organizational leadership Respect

Key Point: I would like to see at least a 50 percent reduction in emails in our company! Why? Many are wasteful. When I see long strings of emails, I want to go, “aaugh,” like Charlie Brown from in the old Peanuts comic strip. (Millennials, click the link). Emails are best as short, punchy statements that confirm a dialogue or instruction. They’re not to be the medium for conversation. However, as much as I’d like email to mostly go away, the following are some guidelines I want to comment on.

Andrew Brodsky is a Ph.D. candidate in Organizational Behavior at Harvard Business School. He notes in a recent HBR blog that using email is simply unavoidable and stresses that we can balance the need to communicate while avoiding the potential pitfalls of using emotion in email. He claims the following as five concrete, research-based recommendations:

“Brodsky: Understand what drives how emails are interpreted. It is clear that people often misinterpret emotion in email, but what drives the direction of the misinterpretation? For one, people infuse their emotional expectations into how they read messages, regardless of the sender’s actual intent. Consider the email “Good job on the current draft, but I think we can continue to improve it.” Coming from a peer, this email will seem very collaborative; coming from a supervisor, it may seem critical.”

Rubis: Why use email at all if you’re concerned about emotional misinterpretation? Please call or have a video exchange and avoid the emotional confusion. Then send an email after to confirm commitments made. (Please don’t tell me you can’t get a hold of each other. That’s usually bunk and a phony excuse)!

“Brodsky: Mimic behaviors. What is the best way to convey emotions via email? Emoticons? Word choice? Exclamation points? There is no single correct answer; the proper cues will vary based on the context. For instance, you likely wouldn’t want to send a smiley face emoticon to a client organization that is known for having a very formal culture. Alternatively, you wouldn’t want to send an overly formal email to a very close colleague.”

Rubis: Ok, the concept of mimicking behavior as a way of demonstrating empathy is great. I have another idea. How about talking to each other instead of spending a bunch of time trying to select the right emoji? Geez?

“Brodsky: State your emotions. While mimicking behaviors can be effective, it is still a rather subtle strategy that leaves the potential for emotional ambiguity. The simplest solution to avoid any confusion is to just explicitly state the emotion that you want to relay in your email.”

Rubis: I like the idea of stating your emotion. Then what? How about having a conversation? Use that fancy smart phone and use FaceTime or Skype. Or would you prefer to hide behind the email?

“Brodsky: Consider making some strategic typos. The answer is to do something that makes it seem like you are not actually “crafting” your message. Counter to most business advice, in situations where authenticity is very important, it may be worthwhile to consider making a couple of typos. What makes errors so believable is that they make you seem less competent: Why would someone ever make a typo if they were trying to impress me?”

Rubis: Create typos? Are you friggin’ kidding me? That’s authentic? Please ask Harvard to give you a rebate on your tuition. When I call you, should I use a fake stutter to make myself more vulnerable? Geez!

“Brodsky: Disclose personal information. One of the benefits of email is that it tends to result in more straightforward and productive work communication, avoiding the potentially unproductive schmoozing that tends to occur in face-to-face conversations. However, disclosing personal information while making small talk actually helps lubricate social interactions by building familiarity and trust. Studies that have examined email negotiations show that simply having people engage in a brief “getting to know each other” interaction prior to negotiating can significantly improve negotiation outcomes. So if your interactions are longer-term, limit misinterpretations and increase the believability of explicit emotional displays by letting a fuller version of yourself show through.”

Rubis: “Avoid potentially unproductive schmoozing.” Huh? Holy #%+!!! Sorry to break it to you Harvard folks, but face-to-face schmoozing involves making a personal emotional connection. And as much as a Harvard MBA might see that as unproductive, it is an effective, personal, emotional connection that makes business productive. As digital and mobile as we continue to become, that will ALWAYS be the case. Thank goodness!!

Character Moves:

Commit to making email way more effective by cutting it by 50 percent and refuse to use it for a problem solving method or a vehicle to manage emotional connections. When you see a string that involves an attempt at a problem solving conversation… Stop,call/video/meet face-to-face instead.

Increase personal conversations by 50 percent. Make stronger personal emotional connections. Invest in each other rather than using a tool that was never meant for emotional exchange and relationship building! Never fake a typo or do anything inauthentic. Talk… Listen… With your mouth and ears and eyes, not with your keyboard.

Connecting in The Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: This is hilarious, because as a millennial, I understand the inconvenience of emails, but I certainly appreciate and utilize the power of text… 90 percent of my relationships are dealt with via text (I probably send a few thousand a month). There’s also a movement I like that is something along the lines of sarcastically saying, “Thanks for holding the meeting that could have just been an email.” Bottom line: If it’s not useful, I don’t want to go. While calling or video chat is nice at times, it still requires me to pause Spotify. That can be as annoying as a meaningless email chain, or lengthy, boring meeting… And all millennials can probably agree, we’ve learned to accurately read tone, emojis, and emotion in text. Don’t believe me? Get a “k” or “fine” response, and see if you can’t read straight through that. I appreciate and crack up at the “baahhh, get off my lawn!!!” reaction from those who desire more face-to-face connection while their phone blows up with texts, but texting isn’t going anywhere. Face-to-face time is obviously hugely important, and wasteful emails are awful, so let’s meet in the middle… There’s one common denominator: Be straightforward and don’t waste people’s time or keep them guessing. If you send an email, send one. And sure, if you can say something face-to-face, then do it. Do it so we can all get back to the job at hand, and also keep listening to our favorite podcasts.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

Bully and Silent Bosses Aren’t Leaders

Accountability Communication Organizational leadership

Key Point: Hold yourself accountable first and help others improve. I believe the weakest and most ineffective “leaders,” more aptly described as “bosses,” spend their time chest pounding about “holding others accountable.” They are often “yellers” and recognize that their positions of authority provide a platform for subtle or even direct intimidation. I want these people out of organizations because they do little to improve performance, while adding lots of cultural waste, in the form of “ass protecting.”

In fairness, “bully bosses” may not think of themselves that way. They often have lower EQs and frame the world as “soft.” Hence, they believe the rest of the folks ought to be more like them. Now, I fully recognize that we are and should be disappointed by mistakes, poor performance and unmet expectations. We do need to set high bars of excellence and expect it within others and ourselves. However, what I have witnessed in my career is too much behavior at one extreme or another; bully at one end, mute at the other. As unfortunate as the bully boss is, the silent or mute boss might even be worse. This type of boss grumbles and seethes internally about poor performance and most often silently sneaks up on a “poor performer” after finally “having enough” and “gets rid of the problem.”

It is really hard to be a performance coach. It takes care and skill to engage performance issues effectively. It involves huge amounts of personal energy. And I believe that’s what leaders need to do: We need to hold ourselves accountable first AND help others improve. Yes, we’re human and have a right to feel frustrated, disappointed and angry with unmet expectations. However, look in the mirror first. Remember our best outcome is to coach others to higher performance.

Peter Bregman is a coach, and a consultant to CEOs and their leadership teams. He’s also the best-selling author of 18 Minutes, and his forthcoming book is Four Seconds. I really respect his work. This is what Peter recommends when someone under-performs:

Character Moves (via Bregman):

“1 .Take a breath (that’s the four seconds part). Slow yourself down for the briefest of pauses — just enough time to subvert your default reaction. In that moment, notice your gut reaction. How do you tend to handle poor performance? Do you get angry? Stressed? Needy? Distant? Your role is to give people what they need to perform, not what you need to release.

2. Decide on the outcome you want and be specific. What does this particular person need in order to turn around this particular poor performance or failure? Maybe it’s help defining a stronger strategy, or brainstorming different tactics, or identifying what went right. Maybe they need to know you trust them and you’re on their side. But here’s what people almost never need: to feel scared or punished. And more often than not, that’s how we make them feel when we ‘hold them accountable’ in anger.

3. Choose a response that will achieve the outcome you want, rather than simply making your already obvious displeasure more obvious.”

Performance coaching in The Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: We’re probably not all lucky enough to work for bosses that are also perfect leaders. But that doesn’t mean we should stop taking notes. Even poor bosses can teach us through bad example, so when we may reach leadership positions, we can model ourselves differently… Bully bosses and “mutes” can be discouraging, but I don’t think we should allow them to shut us down. Like any other relationship in life, it’s about learning and developing tastes and standards. Learn from the duds. What does your boss do that you like? What don’t they do? As our careers progress, we can take that model and keep puzzling together the most ideal fit in a leader, which in turn will hopefully form a successful team and working atmosphere.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

A Listening System by Shooting 3’s!

Communication Empathy Respect

Key Point: Learn and apply a powerful listening system and people will think your ears are growing in the best way. Below you will find three GIANT and CONNECTED tools for the first time in one blog.

I’m a big believer in the power of three (hence the Character Triangle). And I promise that you will go a long ways down the road of becoming a master communicator if you consciously apply the following three listening tools. Don’t worry about making everyone a better communicator. Instead, become one yourself and you will model it for others. People won’t exactly be sure how you do it. Some will say that you’re just naturally good at listening, but you and I will know that it’s because we are self aware, able to reach into our tool kit and apply this system. As technical requirements and competence expectations dramatically change in a digital way, being a master communicator will keep us relevant, key players in the game. Super communicators and listeners will be even more valuable and somewhat future-proof by helping people and organizations navigate dramatic change.

Tool One: Personal Emotional Connection (PEC)

This involves three fundamental things. 1. Find and make a connection to the person (group) you’re listening to. You have something in common. Find what it is that genuinely bridges you to the other person (something as simple as a smile, or complex as a shared philosophy). 2. Empathize with the other person. Show you can genuinely stand in the other person’s shoes. Note: This most often does NOT mean sympathy… It can be as simple as, “you look like you’re in a hurry.” You don’t have to share grief and anguish to show empathy. 3. Move forward together. This can be agreeing on a solution or even agreeing to disagree… Or, simply looking forward to talking again.

Tool Two: Presence, Process and Response (PPR)

This involves showing you actually care what the other person has to say by: 1. Being very present, and totally absorbing what the other person is transmitting, including recognizing verbal and non-verbal cues radiating from the other. 2. Processing involves working hard to make sense what the person is really trying to communicate. If your mind is drifting into what you want to say while the other person is talking, stop! Refocus! Find the nuggets. 3. Response is play back… Confirming what you heard. This does not have to be phony paraphrasing or patronizing if you deep down disagree. It is a genuine response to demonstrate you have listened and understand.

Tool Three; Situation, Target and Proposal (STP)

This tool is great for convening small talk or navigating the most difficult problem solving. 1. Exploring the situation is agreeing to the salient observations about what’s in the environment impacting the conversation topic. 2. Determining TARGET involves finding out common objectives and mutual desires. 3. Proposal development includes coming up with ideas or recommendations that help achieve targets while keeping in mind the situation. (See the resource section on my site for a more complete explanation).

Here’s the real secret sauce: Learn to apply the 3×3, (all three tools, and each group of three principles at the SAME time). A master communicator can unconsciously apply all the behaviors rocking back and forth between all three categories. The nine principles connected together become a listening engine you can really rev up.

Character Moves:

Commit to becoming a master communicator. Recognize where and how to proactively apply all three tools and nine principles.
Practice all of them everyday at every listening opportunity; including when you talk with yourself. Be aware of what worked well. What didn’t. How you might better apply them next time.
Celebrate the improved relationships you’ve developed!

Shooting listening 3’s in The Triangle!

Lorne

One Millennial View: Someone was speaking recently about how it was an annoying pet peeve of theirs to receive texts about a specific time, place, or previously mentioned specific that was recently discussed via text already. Depending on their relationship with the person, their immediate response would likely be, “Hey, just scroll up!” Or, if it was Google-able, like an address, then they’d appreciate if the person could do their own research. Is that a tad intolerant? I suppose… But, I think we can all see this person’s point to a degree. And, in comparison, applying the 3’s in conversation is almost a real-life version of being able to “scroll up,” and remember those details from past conversation to prevent being redundant. Sure, a reminder is always nice, but it’s really appreciated if when already briefed, you’re ready to take the conversation into uncharted territory.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

The Power of Story Telling

Accountability Communication Organizational culture

Key Point: We can really accelerate learning and great habits by promoting story creating AND telling. This may be old news to some of you but I’m going through an experience that is somewhat “mind blowing” on how effective story creating/telling can be; pardon the use of a euphemism from the ’60’s.

Over the past few weeks I have been part of a team bringing employees together, to write and tell personal stories related to specific values we are hoping to spread through all parts of the organization. As an example, much to my passionate delight, we have been asking people to share stories about being “fiercely self-accountable.” When more than 20 people come together to share examples of “fierce self-accountability,” as it applies to serving customers, the words become richly alive with emotion and impact. One literately feels a definitional shift take place amongst the participants, and the meaning becomes much more understood though the voice and feelings of the characters in the story.

When people gather with the understanding that they are expected to share stories, there is a palpable apprehension. My observation is that most of the anxiety is related to the prospect of having to publicly share and present. We already know from research that any form of public speaking ranks at the top of the personal “fright list” for many. Recently, I watched a group of teammates standup arm in arm around a very anxious storyteller. When her colleagues embraced her, the room leaned forward with enormous listening presence. The story was quietly and beautifully shared. It was so piercingly powerful, there was a magical moment when the story creator was both honored and liberated. Most, if not all of the people in the room shifted, not only in their chairs but in their thinking/feeling.

As you readers know, this blog searches out science and research to support views and recommendations. If you want the research, go to the related links and citations. The point is, the brain literally changes through effective story telling.

Character Moves:

Learn more about story telling as a powerful leadership, learning and development approach.
If you’re a leader, one of your competencies is to turn ALL of your team into story creators and to help them both archive AND share those stories.
As a contributor in your organization, begin to think of yourself as a real, powerful, STORY CREATOR! And everyday we are given an empty palate to create and paint/write/tell those stories through our interaction with others. That’s a “WOW” in itself!

Story Creating and Telling in The Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: As a journalist, my whole thing is “story telling.” It’s why I do what I do, why I chose my major and will continue a career in something connected to that forever. I believe a good story is one of the most important things in the world. It doesn’t always have to be a headline maker though… As a small example, my improperly charged wireless headphones ran out of juice 11 minutes into a 50 min cardio session at the gym today… Regular gym goers might understand what a game changer that can be. So what was my backup source of entertainment? I texted friends to find out about their day, hear some stories… It replaced the lack of music, and made the remaining time pretty good. Stories keep you moving.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

Talk Isn’t Cheap

Accountability Communication Personal leadership

Key Point: Learning how to listen and talk to each other is a life long requirement. It requires focus, thoughtful skill development and the mindset, that face-to-face, voice-to-voice conversation is essential to relationship development. An experienced colleague of mine, who has had a very successful executive career, mused to me the other day; “so many of the challenges I was dealing with last week could have been avoided by having conversations with people rather than using the ubiquitous email. If I had a blog, I would blog about the need for everyone to talk more and use email less… It could be a topic for one of your blogs, Lorne?” Ok… Jill… Here it is:

The foundation of successful “talk” starts in childhood. Decades of research shows that parents of all backgrounds do not need to buy expensive educational toys, digital devices and chauffeur their kids to enrichment classes to give them an edge. What they need to do with their children is much simpler: TALK!! But of course, the quality of these discussions counts too. A study conducted by researchers at the UCLA School of Public Health (published in the journal Pediatrics), found that two-way adult-child conversations were six times as potent in promoting language development as interludes in which the adult did all the talking.

Notice the phrase “two-way.” Well, the competence from relentlessly developing effective two-way conversation needs to be continuous. It is instructive to me that two leading companies Quicken and Zappos, prioritize two-way communication while bringing all new employees on board. They do not and cannot assume that their new hires come equipped to know how to constructively talk. Wow! The lead content of the leadership development initiative at the company I work for is called “Conversations!” Why? As Susan Scott has famously noted, “Conversation is the relationship and the relationship is the conversation.” One key to effective leadership is the ability to have crucial conversations and develop relationships.

Character Moves:

How have you improved your skills or ability to have a two-way conversation recently? Are you more equipped to take on any challenging discussion? What framework or model do you use? Or do you just “wing it” because you assume everyone just knows how to ” talk?” As an example, I’m going to watch the video below: “How to Speak so that People Want to Listen.”

Please STOP hiding behind or inappropriately using email and/or texting. They are typically NOT effective tools for problem solving, creating, or meaningful relationship development. With platforms like Skype, FaceTime , and many other video oriented options, we can have more face-to-face interaction, even at a distance. More listening, and talking… Less email trails that can waste time and result in a relationship deficit.

Remember if we really value a relationship, we have to invest in talking to each other: That simple AND complex. Right, Jill?

Watch this video and just talk in the Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: No one needs to remind me that my iPhone is used less as a “telephone” than anything else… 90 percent of my correspondence is text based, and that’s how I prefer it. Except, there are situations we’ve all been in when tone is ever so important. Unless you’re dead sure how someone is phrasing something, or knows the cadence of your own voice (which implies you likely spend enough face-to-face time anyways where you’re on that level), a call is never a bad idea when communicating something where “tone” could be misunderstood. Heck, iMessage can even record and text audio messages now with the push of a button… Let’s avoid getting caught in the tone-trap, they don’t have an emoji for “digging yourself out of a hole” yet. I would know.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis

Two Dogs Sniffing and Status Anxiety

Communication Respect

Key Point: We limit others and ourselves when we attach too much to title and status. In organizations people are sometimes driven to titles because we hope or believe something magical happens to who we are when we achieve it. Of course, more money and responsibility is usually related and that is important. But status anxiety is something different and somewhat destructive. Alain de Botton, author, and contemporary philosopher, has written about the related shortcomings of status anxiety: “The first thing we ask someone is ‘what do you do [for a living]?’ It’s like that sniffing ritual when two dogs meet: ‘Sniff. Sniff. Aha. Gotcha.’”

A Big Think article on the topic and referencing de Botton, goes on to say:

“Typically, depending on the response to the job question, our interest in the other person rises or drops sharply off.

This, he points out, is terribly sad, misleading, and productive of all kinds of harmful social division and personal suffering. Why should we be tribalized or ostracized on the basis of one (admittedly time-consuming) aspect of our lives? Our deeper (and, de Botton argues, more important) human traits invisible until/unless we’ve passed the sniff test?

De Botton says that status anxiety is more destructive than most of us can imagine. It convinces vulnerable people (without fascinating job titles) that their best personal qualities are worthless. It causes people to strive and struggle to meet goals that do little to further their inner well-being, on the (often unconscious) assumption that if their status improves, their worries will vanish.

Once you’ve recognized the symptoms of status anxiety and snobbery in yourself, says de Botton, the remedy is to get out of the status game altogether, surrounding yourself with friends who are willing to take the time to get to know a person, regardless of the first impression. it is easier to realize your human potential when you feel free to experiment, to make mistakes, to take your time becoming somebody without feeling like a complete nobody in the meantime.”

Ask someone whose job is looking after a home or family how they feel when someone asks what “they do” at a social event. Often, the person asking the question is running to the closest appetizer tray before the “homemaker” finishes their response. Ok… I happen to have a great title (Chief People Officer) and I like what it stands for. I freely admit that I enjoy telling people what my title is. However, the article reminds me that I have a responsibility to honor and respect the title rather than expect or receive anything because of it. Maybe we should all have the CPO title? And of course “what I do” is a large percentage of me, but not my only trait. More importantly, of course, is who I am, what I authentically stand for, and the genuine value I bring to others. Leadership and contribution is earned through confident humility, compelling vision and virtuous values that become our real personal brand. The title itself has no sustainable value to anyone.

Character Moves:

Do you have any status snobbery in you? Respect means to “look again.“ Titles inside or outside of organizations are short form banners that are convenient but essentially meaningless. What’s most important is what we know and understand about the whole person.
Status snobbery is destructive and taking the time to find out who someone is versus his or her title takes us to a more fulfilling relationship development path. Remember that people will always remember how we make them feel. When people care to learn about who we really are, it usually feels pretty darn good.

Stop sniffing in The Triangle,

Lorne

One Millennial View: Asking what someone “does” is likely not going anywhere, and it never will. I believe we should “ask,” but the message is not to “assume” a thing. There are a million reasons to inquire, ranging from networking possibilities to discovering common interests. Sometimes everyday “titles” can be the most interesting… I bet a plumber’s “worst day at work” story would hilariously trump any CEO’s. Just think about how many crazy stories a late night 7-11 clerk has… Ideally, no one is insecure about his or her job title. If they are, that’s on them, because every job can have interesting aspects… It’s about the storyteller… It’s on us to learn to be intrigued; it’s their responsibility to tell us the positives/communicate who they really are.

– Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis