Community | Lorne Rubis

Real Leadership: Authenticity from Solitude and Intimacy

My thinking time is vital. Over the years, long runs and now bike rides have provided hours of solitude and a medium for sorting things out and creating. I’ve been weak on more formal types of meditation and it’s something I’m slowly adding to my “thinking while still being present” tool kit.

I know that I’ve been extremely fortunate to have been married for 40 years to a partner whom I can openly discuss anything. Her insight and feedback has been instrumental to my leadership and decision making. As a voracious reader, most of my important ideas have been uniquely built on the many thoughts of others, genuinely soaking into my own belief and habit system.

Former Yale professor William Deresiewicz, who was the source of my recent Jane Austen blog, pointed me to a lecture on leadership he gave to West Point Cadets in 2009. That speech had a huge impact, including a note of recognition from General David Petraeus. I strongly urge you to read it. Deresiewicz’s lecture essentially reinforced concentrated solitude and personal intimacy as crucial ingredients to drive authentic and powerful leadership. His premise is that we have too many “sheep leaders”, people exceptionally smart but short on having the ability to authentically think through complex issues while developing creative solutions.

Character Move:

Make it an integral part of your personal development system to invest in solitude and concentration (without distraction of outside influences). Make it a point to increase self awareness by having crucial conversations with YOURSELF. This will support an evolution of an authentic self and personal leadership framework. Thinking for yourself means finding your real self.
Recognize that having an intimate mate or mates, to engage in meaningful conversations that can help you develop and test your guideposts, is a vital part of one’s life. We need real friends not just Facebook friends. One of the best ways, as Deseriewicz points out, of talking to yourself is talking to an intimate other, someone with whom you can unfold your soul.

Creating Intimate Solitude in the Triangle,

Lorne

9/11 Victim 0001: The Happiest Man on Earth

Accountability Community Contribution

This week I listened to 9/11 stories on National Public Radio. One story I listened to was about Mychal Judge, the legendary and beloved Franciscan chaplain of the NYFD. This NPR clip was an interview with Bill Cosgrove, a police lieutenant who stumbled on Father Mychal’s body and then with four others, carried him out of the rubble and chaos. Cosgrove is convinced that Mychal’s last selfless act of love was saving the lives of the first responders who carried him out. Shortly after the famous picture below was taken, the tower fell and these firemen would have surely been inside and fatalities with the rest of their comrades.

Father Judge was the first recorded death from the attacks that morning. His life’s work is a loving foundation for the tenth anniversary commemorations of the 9/11 attacks: peace, tolerance and reconciliation. One of the first vigils held this year was in honor of Father Mychal. About 300 people gathered last Sunday in front of the St Francis Church where Judge lived and worked, just down the block from the ladder 24/engine 1 firehouse. The march followed Father Mychal’s final path to Ground Zero.

A fellow a Franciscan, Fr. Michael Duffy, gave the eulogy of Father Mychal, ten years ago and a few days after 9/11. The following is an excerpt: (read the entire eulogy here).

” He would say to me once in a while, “Michael Duffy” –– he always called me by my full name –– “Michael Duffy, you know what I need?” And I would get excited because it was hard to buy him a present.

I said, “No, what?”

“You know what I really need?”

“No, what Mike?”

“Absolutely nothing. I don’t need a thing in the world. I am the happiest man on the face of the earth.” And then he would go on for ten minutes, telling me how blessed he felt. “I have beautiful sisters. I have nieces and nephews. I have my health. I’m a Franciscan priest. I love my work. I love my ministry.” And he would go on, and always conclude by looking up to heaven and saying, “Why am I so blessed? I don’t deserve it. Why am I so blessed?” But that’s how he felt all his life.  

Another characteristic of Mychal Judge, he loved to bless people, and I mean physically, even if they didn’t ask. A little old lady would come up to him and he’d talk to them, you know, as if they were the only person on the face of the earth. Then, he’d say, “Let me give you a blessing.” He put his big thick Irish hands and pressed her head till I think the poor woman would be crushed, and he’d look up to heaven and he’d ask God to bless her, give her health and give her peace and so on…  

It reminds me of that very well known Picasso sketch of two hands holding a bouquet of flowers. You know the one I mean –– there’s a small bouquet, it’s colorful and a hand coming from the left side and a hand coming from the right side. Both are holding the bouquet. The artist was clever enough to draw the hands in the exact same angle. You don’t know who’s receiving and who is giving. And it was the same way with Mychal. You should know how much you gave to him, and it was that love that he had for people, and that way of relating to him, that led him back to New York City and to become part of the fire department…

He loved his fire department and all the men in it. He’d call me late at night and tell me all the experiences that he had with them, how wonderful they were, how good they were. It was never so obvious that he loved a group of people so much as his New York firefighters. And that’s the way he was when he died…

The firemen took his body and because they respected and loved him so much, they didn’t want to leave it in the street. They quickly carried it into a church and not just left it in the vestibule, they went up the center aisle. They put the body in front of the altar. They covered it with a sheet. And on the sheet, they placed his stole and his fire badge. And then they knelt down and they thanked God. And then they rushed back to work.

And so, this morning we come to bury Mike Judge’s body but not his spirit. We come to bury his mind but not his dreams. We come to bury his voice but not his message. We come to bury his hands but not his good works. We come to bury his heart but not his love. Never his love.”   

Character Move: Simply reflect on how Mychal Judge is a metaphor of The Character Triangle. He died in the act of being self-accountable, respected every human he interacted with, and embodied abundance through his joy in daily practice: the happiest man on earth.

Then ask yourself what you want your eulogy to say.

Two hands holding a bouquet in The Triangle,

Lorne

Superheroes of Kindness: Lessons from 3 Year Olds

Abundance Community Kindness

This past week two of our team members lost loved ones; a dad and a brother passed. As always, the people at Ryzex rallied with care and compassion. When the bigger things happen our team closes ranks and demonstrates what I call reactive kindness. This is important, but I also want us to work on what I call daily kindness.

The following CNN story by Asieh Namdar underscores the essence of this way of thinking and acting, becoming Superheroes of Kindness.

At one preschool in Missoula, Montana, the students turn into superheroes for a few days each month. These superheroes can’t fly and don’t fight monsters, but they do wear capes.

Instead, they are “Superheroes of Kindness,” and they are learning that they are never too young to make a difference by cleaning up their neighborhood, visiting senior citizen centers, and taking part in other acts of kindness. Kristal Burns, the teacher who pioneered the superhero initiative explains, “One of my most memorable visits was to a senior citizen center. I would ask the kids, ‘Why are we here?’ They would say, ‘To make them smile!’ ‘How are we going to do that?’ ‘We’re going to look at them. We’re going to say ‘Hi.’ At one point, one little girl started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she looked at me and said, ‘My heart feels so good right now.’ She was so overwhelmed with the power she had. And that’s what she took home with her that day.”

Ms. Burns goes on to say, “Every child has kindness, but like everything else, we need to cultivate and nurture it. If we don’t, kids may not know how to use it. By watering it, feeding it and learning how to carefully keep away weeds that may want to overtake it, we not only allow the kindness inside to grow, but we learn how use it. Showing compassion without thinking of reward brings great strength and inner power. What a gift to foster in our children and humanity.”

Character Move: How about you and I take a lesson from these three year olds and proactively work to demonstrate more kindness daily at work, not just when the bad stuff happens, but every day. We need to water and feed the act of kindness, like Burns emphasizes for three year olds, or we get rusty. And as Burns notes, doing so without expectations of reciprocation or reward generates inner strength and power. And as the management guru Tom Peters notes over and over again… kindness is free! I challenge you to consciously make one proactive act of kindness daily. Write down what you did, and be aware of the reaction.

Character Hall of Fame: I am selecting Ms. Burns as new member of my Character Hall of Fame.

Superheroes of Kindness in the Triangle,

Lorne

Can We Raise the “Respect Limit” in Our Workplace? The Transition from “Me” to “We”

Collaboration Community Respect

There was much that disturbed all of America about the debt ceiling debate. But perhaps what distressed many of us the most was the feeling that making the decision that was best for the country was secondary to the “my way or the highway” mentality that permeated much of the debate. Additionally, dialogue over issues seemed to be overshadowed by personal attack. Those of us who have been part of functional families and organizations know that individuality and the ability to express needs, wants, and feelings is important. We also know that “we-ness” allows for the “me” to express itself, but that agreeing to disagree is ok too. What is not ok is when the “me” becomes “look out for number one” ONLY and the agenda between members becomes poisoned by manipulation and distrust.

The US culture is fiercely autonomous and independent. These values are fundamental to the creativity and industrious nature of the famous “American way.” To move a company (or country for that matter) forward, success is more around applying the spirit of inclusiveness and expansion. This philosophy is different than everyone agreeing and seeing everything the same way. It can and should accommodate individualism. It is also much different than, “My way is the only right way because I believe it is so, and screw everyone else.”

Character Move:

Self assess how much room you have for the view of others in your work place.
How effective are people at constructively attacking issues instead of each other (or other departments)?
What tools like STP* are in place to help that dialogue?
How often is the focus on “me” versus “we”? Listen to the words that people use in their communication? Is it for the greater good?

We don’t want to raise the debt limits in our companies if we can avoid it. But I believe we could all benefit from raising the respect limit!

Raising the Respect Limit in the Triangle,

Lorne

* STP – Situation – Target – Proposal

Never Pass a Lemonade Stand without Buying

Abundance Community Kindness

I make it a point if at all possible, to never to pass a kid’s lemonade stand without stopping to buy. Why? Because these kids have are trying to provide something of value with their time and talent. They find a good street corner on a hot day, make a product that’s refreshing, offer it with a huge anticipatory smile, and that’s worth paying for. Hopefully a positive lemonade stand experience for these rookie entrepreneurs translates into more as they grow into adulthood. (Btw… I don’t always drink the lemonade…)

This reminds me that every day you and I pass “lemonade stands” at work. Obviously they are not lemonade stands but what would happen if:

We always stopped to say good morning to the first person we met coming in the door, asked sincerely as to how they were, and listened to their response?
Carefully watched and held the door or elevator open for people coming in behind us?
Said good morning to people as we came in to our work area and broadly smiled as we did so?
Wrote a hand written (not email) thank you or recognition note to someone who helped us or someone we observed doing something great? We could easily do this while we waited for our computer to boot up… i.e. before our email overtook us!
Made a point of identifying on our daily agenda someone we were going to help or coach that day?
Concluded each day thanking someone?

People tell me the pressure of applying the Character Triangle with consistency can be daunting. Of course as human beings we can and will stray from the principles from time to time. I am more interested in promoting the relentless journey of purposefully practicing the principles than expecting personal perfection from myself or others. However, the one thing I know for sure is that the small stuff ends up being the big stuff.

The above behavioral examples at one level are trivial. They will not on their own make or break a business model. However if we make a point of attending to the small stuff, the bigger things have a better foundation for connecting with the same principles.

Character Move:

Don’t pass literal or metaphorical lemonade stands without “buying”!
Set the stage each day at work, as we travel between the front door and our office/cube/station.
Be present, smile, say thank you, and acknowledge in our first 30 minutes and the “table will be set” for the rest of the day.
Wrap every day with a genuine thank you.
Do it all over again until it becomes a positive habit.

No Lemons in the Triangle,

Lorne

Trauma & Abundance: the Beginning or the End?

Abundance Community

I am often asked to explain how it is possible to live with abundance after a trauma or tragedy. The 9.0 earthquake in Japan is a devastating and terrifyingly extreme example where the belief in being abundant is challenged to the core. Yet the incredible perseverance and human grace demonstrated by the Japanese seems to reinforce rather than detract from the strength and spirit of this value in practice. As an example, the absence of looting is juxtaposed with heart warming generosity. No one should minimize the pain associated with the earthquake in any way. It is a tragedy and crushing example of personal trauma beyond belief.

At the same time it may be heartening to understand the following. There is evidence that some will understandably deeply struggle after personal trauma, while others will actually propel forward and derive personal growth from the experience. The following is an excerpt from a Harvard Business Review blog written by Shawn Achor that provides great insight into this:

“Research has illuminated differences between people who experience growth after trauma and those who do not. First, these individuals continue to believe that their behavior still matters, which is one of the components of optimism. If you have experienced a trauma, find one concrete action — something you know you can do — to decrease the negative feelings associated with the trauma. For example, if you had a heart attack, decide to give up desserts on Sundays. This gives your brain a “win,” allowing it to keep moving forward.

Second, post-traumatic growth blooms best in a soil of deep social support. If you have experienced a trauma, try to actively invest in your social support network — rather than passively waiting for that network to invest in you in the midst of hardship. Everyone has their own timetable for recovery, but post-traumatic growth can begin to occur at any point in the grieving process — whether it is one day or ten years later. Social support speeds the process of recovery.

Third, change the way you describe the trauma to yourself. For example, when I was at Harvard Divinity School, I went through two years of depression. At the time, it was terrible. And I could leave the story there. But that misses out on the reality that post-traumatic growth occurred. Because of that depression (not despite it), I began to understand what gets in the way of us creating positive change in our lives, and that jumpstarted my interest in positive psychology and helping people change their mindsets and their habits. If it were not for depression, I would not have the understanding, or the compassion, to help people like I can today. Learning to tell myself that story — rather than the pessimistic version of what happened — has been key to my growth.

Trauma is always bad — but it’s also the beginning of the story, not the end.”

None of us wants to have to be put to the test on this but when and if we are; there is a choice in the after zone of personal tragedy. Mourning and grieving is necessary. We also are best served with a mind set of moving forward and the belief that our contribution still matters, along with activating a nurturing support system.

Character Move: have enormous compassion for ourselves and others when trauma strikes. Know that at some time after the mourning and grief, we have a chance and choice to “grow on.” It can be a beginning.

Beyond Trauma in the Triangle,

Lorne